“I was the lion…”

If I may be a bit more personal for a post:

 

I think taking ownership is important. It is shows responsibility and maturity. It is important for me to be the person who sets an example; who takes ownership and responsibility for my actions, good or bad, and continue doing what I’m doing or fix the issue.

I love quotes. A friend of mine mentioned that he hates quotes, and he believes them to be an attempt to sound profound when the quoter is saying something simple. I think that is legitimate–

I can just see my friend rolling his eyes and sighing, “Wow. How original.” Dream big and live life to the fullest. The end … I think sometime certain quotes are so overused or have so many variations they tend to lose their ‘oomph.’

But me? I love quotes. I have a book of quotes, a folder of photo quotes saved to my desktop and a Word document that lists lines of scripture or other quotes that really resonate with and help to motivate me. I think for me, quotes are kind of like “to do” lists… I love to write them down, put it all in front of me, read the words over and over…… but you can’t complete tasks on a to do list by staring at them. You can’t , “Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die tomorrow,”  by staring at the words.

 

Self-help/motivational books.  Those are right up there with quotes. I love them. I love new perspectives, new insights, new ways to think… I want to be better overall and I pride myself on doing my best work and being the best person I can be.

This week, I have not been that person. Not even close. For whatever reason, and I truly can’t put my finger on it, I have felt so disorganized and scatterbrained for (really) the last few weeks. I could feel my performance not being at my best, I have had constant feelings of anxiety for no real reason (something that does not often happen to me) and overall just… “blah.”  I felt like I hit rock bottom (for me… which by most standards is not a rock bottom at all) and felt terrible. Now I’m on the up-swing, which is a wonderful feeling.

 

At church several weeks ago, a member of the community addressed us all and spoke about letting yourself be loved and also mentioned how “everything in life is spiritual.”  She discussed how she can come across as a hard, abrasive person but on the inside has so much love and warmth to give. She has a tendency to be afraid to let others in for fear of hurt or rejection. “Everything in life is spiritual,” she says over and over. And really, for me too, it is.

I will be honest and wear my heart on my sleeve for a few moments. I think I am a difficult person to get to know. I will let you in on secrets and open up to you with my miscellaneous nuances and anal-retentive qualities, but you will still not know me. There are very few people who “get” me, and I’m okay with that. I recognize that I put up walls and am intentionally stubborn and don’t like to peel back my layers. I don’t like to get hurt. There was (and truly still is) a part of me that puts myself in the mindset of, “okay– if this person is no longer in my life, what will I do?”

I’ll be fine is the conclusion I force myself to ultimately come to. Whether this is a best friend, family member, etc. It’s a painful process, but I have had close friends abandon ship and as much as I don’t like getting hurt, there is a bigger part of me that does not like to be caught off-guard.  So, I plan for the worst (and hope for the best). Truly a public relations approach to life.

 

“There’s a reason no one knows her name
If she don’t tell you then she never has to change it
She’s allergic to “I Love Yous” and staying in one place for too long
If you blink she’s gone”

Jon McLaughlin

 

This is something that I’ve tried with my whole heart to stand by for so many years. In the past few years, it’s all kind of gone downhill (in a good way). I fell in love, fell out of love, and have been in the same state for two consecutive years, and in the same job that I love for one year (with the plan to stay for an extended amount of time). However, I currently find myself in a period of numbness, which is a place I would have been very comfortable in a few years ago. Feeling is vulnerability, and vulnerability is something that my time simply does not allow in this moment. Maybe in the next– if I can get there, a miracle will have occurred. Stay tuned.

 

Anyway, this all boils down to taking ownership and understanding that I am in control of my life– if I don’t like something, I should change it. But in conjunction with that, I know that everything will be fine and work out the way it is supposed to work out. I obviously can’t sit like a bump on a log– I have a job too. I make the decisions and direct my life to the place that it’s supposed to go. If I get off track, something will come through to bring me back.

One of my favorite quotes:

“I was the lion who forced you to join with Aravis. I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at midnight, to receive you.”

C.S. Leiwis, The Chronicles of Narnia: The Horse and His Boy

 

I think life is like that. I think that when things happen around us that seem scary, but we are okay, we should be thankful. Maybe we’re being pressured by a deadline, or the car breaks down, or the person in front of us at the grocery store has 11 things instead of 10 in the express lane. I think we need to be hurried or slowed down for a reason. There are an overwhelming number of things happening, and life doesn’t slow down, you can’t hit pause… You hit rock bottom. Whatever your rock bottom is. And you have fallen so you lay down for a bit. Maybe you cry a bit, and let your heart pour out some emotion. And you realize… you’ll be fine. You’ll be fine because you have to be fine. And you stand up to dust yourself off. And you breathe. And you keep moving forward.

 

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